I wheelspinned up to my 42nd birthday. Wow separated and childless. This was not on the agenda. The well thought out, time defined life plan I had set out for myself did not state this!
Ticking clocks do exist. Those involuntary tears as I walk through Ikea through the kids section all laid out with cosy beds for littlies do exist. Whilst I could quite happily never go back it’s like pulling of a scab…I keep doing it and it always hurts. Just one example of many. The baby in the queue at the bank who beamed a smile of a thousand smiles and melted my heart along with my mascara…another example of many.
Life is a roller coaster of fear, sadness, regret, sorrow, guilt, loss, desperation and sheer panic. Panic at my body clock ticking to extinction with nothing I can do to stop it. Those once dreaded periods are now a welcome last ditch sign of fertility. “I still can…”
“…..but I won’t”. Time is now not right so what next? How do I make sense of this and more importantly live with it. I lay in bed one Sunday morning and googled “Mind, body, Spirit Fayre nearby”. A slightly more realistic search than “how to lose a stone in 3 days”.
It was at this Mind, Body, Spirit Fayre that my life path changed. I bought a crystal, had a half naked massage behind a very small curtain and parted with the most rewarding £40 to date.
The angel card reader had a message from my maternal grandmother (my eyes rolled too) but what she had to say is why I am writing this now. She said “stop worrying about your role in this life as a mum, live your life for you…Human First Female Second”.
And so it begins…. #humanfirstfemalesecond #happyandchildless