Coping with childlessness is a never ending task because let’s face it this is not how it was meant to be. This wasn’t in our life plan and it certainly doesn’t marry up with our childhood dreams. Like everything in life it requires effort, attention and action to survive it.
Being happy and childless takes it to the next level altogether but with the right thought process, perception, effort and desire to be happy this is possible. I am living proof of it.
Just to clarify, I am not superhuman (despite what my outwardly confident personality sometimes believes). I have good and bad days because this is life but I am no longer stuck in the depths of despair, blinded by thick fog and no vision of the future.
I want to share how I have moved on and how I am coping. Years ago, whilst on holiday with my mum, putting the world to rights, a stranger (or nosy woman on next table) approached us and just said “read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne and directed me to her website. Now this was way before I discovered I was not going to be a mum. My struggles then, whilst maybe sounding dramatic after copious amounts of sangria and sauvignon were minimal.
The Secret introduced me to the Law of Attraction which transformed by mind and thought process. It shifted my perception of life and enabled me to take control of my own destiny. Little did I know then just how much I would lean on the principles of The Law of Attraction to create a happy life with hope and excitement for the future.
The Law of Attraction works on the principle that what you think about you bring about, that your thoughts dictate your feelings. This is powerful, so powerful that I am able to change my feelings in a second when I shift my thought patterns. If you know and believe that your thoughts create your reality, wouldn’t you do all you can to manage them? Well this is true and it works!
Telling somebody to be positive “just because” is about as helpful as a chocolate fireguard (old ones are the best) but telling somebody to think positive thoughts to prevent hurting themselves or impacting on their quality of life is a whole new ball game.
I know we have been handed a set of cards we just didn’t want but it is so important that we play the hand we are dealt and create a new future for ourselves – we d0 deserve a happy life and with positive thinking and learning to manage our thoughts we can attain this.
So a Positive Mindset is a must!
Gratitude is a game changer. Whatever our situation is there is always something we can be grateful for. Gratitude is as powerful as positive thought patterns. In fact, the two are intrinsically linked. If you find things to be grateful for you are emitting positive vibrations and creating a more positive environment.
When I wasn’t in control of my thoughts and subsequently my feelings I would often fall into a pit of despair and nothing would lift my mood and this sometimes still creeps up on me when I least expect it but the key for me is to now switch the negative thoughts to ones of gratitude and mood instantly shifts. The biggest driver for doing this is being acutely aware that thinking sad, negative thoughts only is creating more negative circumstances and situations. It is imperative that I focus on what I have rather than what I don’t. Being thankful plays and essential role in being happy.
A great way to feel gratitude is to think about all the things you have, be it family, friends, a home, health and just imagine life without them. Imagine how much harder and different our lives would be and then be grateful.
We are not born to be somebody else’s partner, wife, mother. We were born into the world completely free to be who we want to be and we owe it to ourselves to focus on living our very best life. Being a mother does not define us. We are “Human First Female Second” with human desires, wants, needs and ultimately all we could ask for is a happy life. Happiness comes in many forms.
I went to see a medium who said she had connected with my maternal grandmother, Grandma Harry. Grandma Harry was the epitome of happy. Having had a difficult childhood and working through a world war she embraced life with all she had. The life and soul of a party who lit up a room. The medium shared words from Grandma Harry which were “live your life for you..you’re Human First Female Second” . Whether I believe in mediums or not is another debate but on the basis she had no idea of my situation, I’m comforted by the words of Grandma Harry and encouraged by her everlasting desire for me to be happy.
Human First Female Second forms part of my mantra and from the moment I heard it, it changed my perception of what my life goals are.
This is one I struggle with I have to admit but I do recognise the importance of loving myself and being kind to myself. For years I have berated myself for being too fat, not fit enough, guilty for my failed marriage, letting my husband and family down, not having enough money, not being a mum, not giving my parents grandchildren, not being a good enough friend. Wow just writing all of this makes me feel exacerbated. That’s enough self battery to bring anybody down.
This area is one I will be focusing on and hopefully working together with you on as we reach the point of realising our next chapter is not how we planned. There really is a mélange of deep seated emotions bubbling away inside and I’m working on bringing them all to the surface and resolving each one.
Self love is essential to healing and ultimately our happiness.
Letting go of the Past
The past does not exist, it is just memories. Sometimes distorted memories which hold no truth and are clouded by perception. The future equally does not exist and is only in our imagination. The present is all we have. In fact, the present will form the memories of tomorrow, so make them good ones!
I’ve struggled with this one too (do you get the gist? I’m always struggling). I am a hugely sentimental person and think of all the happy, romantic, loving, exciting times and dreams of the past and the loss of in whatever form hits hard but the times when I feel the most content are when I am living in the the present…..chatting with a stranger, laughing with a customer, drinking wine in the sun (regular occurrence).
To be happy we must live in the present, appreciate our past but keep it in the past, anticipate the future with excitement but realise we only have the present
Well if you’re even still reading this I’m grateful and I bet you wonder if I’ve ever cracked a smile in my life. I mean with all these years of struggle, self loathing, failed marriage, lost dreams how could I ever have laughed.
One of my main supporters for pursuing this blog was one of my customers. A very unique and special soul. We gelled the first time we met and the banter was real. I recounted so many funny stories that I could actually be a real life, slightly more complicated and disturbed Bridget Jones! She encouraged me to write as she insisted how much I made her laugh. Having written my first few blogs I sent them to her….silence….her response finally came and was well thought out….”Great mate but they’re actually not funny. Infact they’re quite sad”. It is then that I realised this topic is hard to portray through hilarity and sarcasm. It is sad…it has heartbreak attached and heartbreak is not funny is it?!?
Laughter, however, is a tonic and through all of our struggles we can and will laugh again. This blog is meant to be a guide on how to be Happy and Childless and I will be using laughter and fun as a prescribed tonic we all must take to help up move on to our next chapter.
Life can be fun and funny. Let’s unleash the laughter again together.
Be kind to yourself, be kind to others. There is something so satisfying to me to make another person smile. To give gifts which are appreciated, to cook meals for my friends. I am firm believer that you get back what you give and being kind to people results in kind actions coming back to yourself.
Being king is positive and positivity creates good vibes which can only result in more happiness.
When we focus on others and how we can positively impact on their lives, this inevitably increases our sense of purpose.
When redefining my purpose in life, one thing I wanted to be and do was to be kinder to others and make a difference to other people’s enjoyment if life.